Nige – Six Nations Rugby 2018 – BBC Wales

Nige – Six Nations Rugby 2018 – BBC Wales

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VOICEOVER:The Six Nations…Battles fought out in a grand
arena…
And at the centre – the circus
master, the lion tamer,
Nigel Owens!Nigel? Is that you?Nigel! Sorry, sorry to interrupt.I haven’t seen you in ages, mate.We know each other, do we?Well, you
know, Wynne, you know,
Wynne Richards?Wynne the Chin, you know,
the Wynne that takes it all?
We were at school together. You were
a couple of years older than me.
Ysgol Mynyddcerrig, remember?
Yeah, I remember Wynne…
Wynnie-the-Pooh, wasn’t it?Yeah, that was a one-off incident,
like…
Do you, eh, good God, I tell you,you’re doing well for yourself
there, in’t you?
I bet your agent’s phone is red-hot!I bet he’s got to pick it up with
oven gloves, has he?
I haven’t got an agent, actually.
You haven’t got an agent?
You hear that, Michelle, he hasn’t
got an agent?
Yeah, I heard it,Wynne.That’s ridiculous, that is.You’ve got to think about that,
you’ve got to have an agent!
All the big stars has an agent. You
know, you got to have somebody
to blow your own trumpet.I mean, Elvis had Colonel Parker,
the Beatles had Brian Epstein.
I mean, even Jesus had…
Mother Teresa?
Yeah.Anyway… Good to see you.
Yeah, great.
Do you see that, that’s what I do,
Nige, I’m an agent. That’s my job.
You’ve got to think of me as
a sort of rock to lean on, really.
Like a port in the storm.Are you?
Yeah, I tell you what, mate.
If you came with me, I could propel
you into the stratosphere.
You know, we’re talking panto, HTV,
parties at Jamie Owen’s house.
You know? You could be the dogs.What do you say about getting
the old team back together?
Eh, the old Mynyddcerrig boys? Aye?
Two local boys, fighting the world!
Well, the Six Nations is coming
up…
Me and Michelle,
we’d always be behind you.
Otherwise we’d be off-side!
Very good.
Do you know what?I’m happy to talk commission right
here and now.
I don’t care.I’ll take 20%.15.
I’ll meet you in the middle. 10%.
What?Let me have a think about it and,
I’ll give you a shout later.
Good boy. Yeah, and don’t worry
about us, we’ve got a lot to do
anyway. Phone calls, we’re busy.We’ll, we’ll catch you can, you
know?
What are you doing?
We’re not in show business!
I know. But it’s our shot at the big
time, isn’t it?
Get your hand up through there.Do you want to be fishing out stuck
confectionery from our vending
machines for the rest of your life?
MACHINE BEEPS
Great. Right, listen, we can’t givehim too long to think about this,
right?
We’ve got to strike
while the water’s hot.
Bring that lot as well.What the hell are you doing here?Us lone wolves have got to stick
together, Nige.
Now, there will always be an out
of date packet of ready salted
with your name on it
if you’re in our team.
Now, what do you say?Aye, go on, then.Take me to your agency and then we
can, er,
have a chat about the Six Nations,
eh?
Agency?Be quiet. Now, listen, on
that, just remind me again,
who exactly are the Six Nations?Ha! Yeah, very good!Ruck is called. No hands in there.
Difficult call, this.
Do you think it was a straight red,
rather than a yellow?
Wynne. Wynne! Are you paying any
attention to me or this rugby match?
That’s all I hear now, rugby, rugby,
rugby. You know?
Yeah, because…
Now, here’s the question, yeah?
Do you think that Nigel will be
better off on Dancing On Ice
or Splash?He’s a referee, he
doesn’t do that stuff.
I know, but one day,
you’re cock of the walk,
the next day you’re a feather
duster. Yeah?
You look at Shakin’ Stevens.Mm.
Now, it’s my job to diversify.
To keep ahead of the game,
to plan ahead, yeah?
I’m going to make a crisis call.Get him on the phone. Get him on
that fixed line thing there.
All right and say nothing. Don’t you
say anything to him, all right?
Is it ringing?There you go! Go!
PHONE RINGS
Yeah, keep it down out there as
well!
Oh, hiya! All right, Nige? Sorry,
it’s the old noise on the Thames.
the barges always pass this
time of morning.
All right, chap, where are you?
I’ve got an acupuncture.
Oh, right, well, just pull into the
hard shoulder, and you know,
change it later.Now, we need to know about the
future. Your future.
And more importantly, my future.Now, listen, what we’ve got to think
about is, what are we going to do
when the fickle mistress of rugby
ups and leaves
you on your lonesome, yeah? I mean,
you can’t buy the shopping
with memories.
Yeah, you’re right there.
I need to start thinking about the
future, actually.
You do need to.And that’s why you’ve got me. You
know?
Because you need to become a
triple threat.
You need to think Derek Brockway.
All right?
Now, that bloke, he’s got the
weather, he’s got panto and he’s
got the Welsh walking documentary
genre sewn up completely.
I tell you what, you try
and make a documentary about bipedal
movement in Wales and your name’s
not Brockway, you may as well
go and sing for it, mate. You may as
well go and whistle down the Taff.
You ain’t getting nothing.
You’ve got to be ready to pounce.
We’ve got to be like a black mamba,
ready to strike at any minute.
Go for it, like that. Talking of
which, have you ever thought
of entering the jungle?
What?
Don’t knock it.It’s been a shot in the arm for the
career of many, many celebrities.
I’m not sure I could hack
the jungle, to be honest.
Well, you need to start thinking
about it.
Cos we’ve got to move fast. I know
there are already in talks
with Bassey, and Arfon Haines
Davies. Yeah? So, we’ve got to move
pronto. We’ve got to fast-track you.
We need to get you
some jungle experience, yeah?JUNGLE SOUND EFFECTSHey, this is trickier
than I thought.
That Ray Mears makes it look easy.This is the jungle, Nigel. You know,
it respects no-one.
Even if they are a world-class rugby
referee. All right? Now, get a grip.
I’m starving. Get the food out,
Wynne.
All right, well I foraged for this,this is proper bush tucker
trial stuff, this.
I’ve got some… I got some berries,
I’ve got a leaf…
I think that’s sheep’s bum…Oh!Yeah, that’s definitely,
that’s a sheep’s bum…
I’m not putting up with this
nonsense.
I’ve got a big game tomorrow.
Let’s get out of here.
The car park ticket’s up anyway.You’re making a big mistake,
yeah, but.
You’ve got to think about, you know,
your financial security, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, fine.Go on, then, if you can’t hack it,
absolutely fine!
Don’t worry about that.But Wynne Griffiths
doesn’t give up, OK?
OK, I’m not a quitter, I’m not. I’m
a stayer. I’m a fighter,
I always have been. All right?So, it’s like… Mowgli and
Tarzan rolled into one, yeah?
So don’t you…
Don’t you worry about that.
BIRDS TWEETTV:Ruck is called, no hands in air,
stay out!
What happened here, or what happened
afterwards, I did not see it.
It ends there. Is that clear?
You’ll be treated like kids
as long as you keep…
That’s enough.
Right, now you can see there that
Nige seems to have
lost a bit of his old wit
and razzmatazz, yeah?
So, I’ve decided to line up
a bit of a surprise to put some pep
back into his persona.PHONE RINGSThere we are, all right? What’s
happening?
I’m just about to go and ref a Zebre
match.
WHISPERING: I didn’t know they could
play rugby.
No…Anyway, listen, I’ve got to cut tothe chase. I hate to be the bearer
of bad news
but I’ve been watching some of your
stuff recently and
your patter’s looking a bit tired,
all right?
I don’t want you to be a one-hit
wonder. I can’t represent
the Chumbawamba of world rugby.
Chumba what?
Exactly.I’m a referee, Wynne!
Rubbish, you’re an entertainer.
What?You got showbiz running
through your veins.
You’re like Lionel Blair and
Michael Crawford rolled into one.
With a little bit of Les Dennis
chucked in at the end. All right?
Listen, I’ve got some experts to see
you tomorrow morning.
I’ve called an emergency meeting,
in the meantime,
you watch out for those zebras.Ta-dah!It’s a door.
Yeah, I know, but behind this door
are the greatest comedy writers in
Wales. No expense spared.
We’ve got the guy, right,
who does Alex Jones’s adlibs,
for The One Show, you know?
All that.
It’s not funny, though,
is it?
Well, I think it is.I mean, this tiptop stuff.What do you fancy, one of the
legends just feeding you, yeah?
The old pitter patter. All right?Oh, God!
It smells like someone died!
I wouldn’t let them feed me
anything.
Right, well, what you got?Wait,
whoa, let me do the talking, yeah?
I paid for this, all right?
Right, what you got?
Well, we’ve all been
working on different areas.
Good, that’s good.I’ve been coming up with new
catchphrases.
Hey? Hey?Don’t be a dick,
that’s a penalty kick.
That put-in was wonky,
you half-witted donkey.
Give it a punt, you silly old…
Oh, oh!
You hold it there, you keep that
sort of filth for Alex Jones.
Forget about that.
You, what have you got?
Well, Ifor was thinking that
a little bit of controversy
always seems to generate
headlines.
That’s true.That’s good.
He likes that.
Yeah.So, he’s written a load of gags for
Nigel to do about Princess Diana.
I can’t do that.You can’t?No.Too
soon!
You sure?Of course I’m sure!You at the end,
you better have something good.
Dylan thought how we need to
inspire more children to get
involved with rugby.Oh, this is absolute…
No, that’s good.
Yeah.That’s good, we all like it.So, Dylan thought Nigel should
deliver all of his instructions via
a ventriloquist’s dummy.Nige, meet Little Nige.How am I going to run around the
field for 80 minutes wearing that?
I don’t know,
maybe some sort of papoose.
I quite like the dummy,
do you think the dummy? No?
WHISTLE BLOWSOh, infringement, sending off.PAPERS RUSTLEAs sure as this ball isn’t round,I compel you now to leave
the ground.
I’m not saying that! Come here!
Oh, Nigel’s gone rogue.
You can’t dive like that,
who do you think you are? Tom Daley?
Off you go.WHISTLEI hold you totally responsible for
this, to be honest with you.
That’s the best you can come up
with?
Well, I said to Nigel…This is a perfect line.The scansion on it is perfect.The
what?
The scansion.Who’s Scansion?It’s like, you know,
iambic pentameter.
De-diddly-dum, de-diddly-dum,
de-diddly-dum, de-diddly-dum.
Yeah, that works, do that instead.
That’s funny. Do that.
Ruck is called, no hands in there,
stay out!
Now that I’m representing
Nigel, I decided to watch
some of his matches.And the one thing that strikes me
is that, well,
he’s always looking the same.Gandhi had a more varied dress
sense than this guy.
Yeah, I keep telling you,
he’s dressed the same
cos it’s an official
referee kit.
Please sit down. Anyway,
the rules are there to be broken,
so I thought, time to bend them
a bit.
Yeah, like you counted a chocolate
orange as one of your five-a-day.
What?Mm?Eh?Ay.
Just get Nigel on there.
Do that Time Face thing
and just say nothing.
PHONE RINGSOh, hi, Nige! Tell me,
what are you wearing?
What do you mean, what am I wearing?I mean, what have you got on now,
today, what have you got on?
A refereeing kit! Yellow jersey,
black shorts, black socks.
Got to stand out, haven’t I?Well, yeah, that’s the point.
You don’t stand out. Do you?
You look like every other referee.
That is literally the point.
Anyway, I’ve been having a think
about this and although
you’re sharp up there, you know,
your vibe, it’s a bit blunt.
All right,
so, I’m talking sponsorship.
I’ve come up with a triple-pronged
attack. First of all, pies.
Now, I’ve been in touch with Dai
Pies, down in Newport, all right,
he does lovely pies, he does beef,
chicken, pork and the lucky dip.
The thing is, Dai has said, if you
wear his logo on your T-shirt,
he’s going
to give us 50 big ones a year.
50,000?50 large pies.I can’t wear a pies.
All right, forget about pies.
Now then – prong number two.Stacey’s Salon. Now, I’ve been in
touch with her, she’s up in Merthyr.
She has said from this point on,
you’ll get everything gratis.
She’ll do you nails,
your tanning and waxing.
Waxing?Oh, aye. Waxing is the way
forward, Nige. Especially for you.
You know, you’re going to get
round the pitch quicker.
You know, you
think of Duncan Goodhew.
You know, aerodynamics,
yeah, I tell you,
she did me one for free
and I tell you what,
downstairs I’m like a Ken doll.Have a cop of that there.
Oh, don’t keep doing it.
All right.All I want to do is be
the best referee in the world.
Everything else is just noise.Refereeing? Listen, Think about
branding.
You’ve got to think, David Beckham,
you’ve got to think Mo Farah.
Listen, Neville Southall, look at
him.
I mean that bloke has bought
a house in Tenby with the money
he made from that waxing
ad for the moustache thing.
You know, I mean, Tenby!
In cash!
I thought you said it was
a TRIPLE-pronged attack.
The third prong…Get your hands off him. I’ve insured
those. Get out.
Eau de Nige.What the hell is that?That my boy, is
your very own aftershave.
Yeah? It’s a prototype, yeah?
HE WHISTLES
Get it? I’ve already thought of a
tag line for it.
Don’t get sent off –
get this scent on.
Right, well, give us a sniff, then.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.Cop your gob around that.NIGEL COUGHSOh, God.I haven’t got time
for this nonsense!
I’ve got a game to referee, mun.Did you want a last squirt
before you go?
No, I don’t!SPRAY SQUIRTSUgh, don’t keep doing it!I can’t believe it.I worked so hard to try
and get us a sponsorship deal.
It’s all blown up in my face.That’s not strictly true.Some of it’s IN your face.And on your chin.Hey, where’s that aftershave?!Pass it here.
What, do you reckon it could work?
Bit of tweaking, it’d be a goer.
Don’t be dull, mun –
there’s a streaker on the pitch,I want something
to knock him out with.
In the run up to the Six Nations,
it’s my job to make sure
that Nigel’s at the peak
of his physical conditioning.
Now, if you have a little look
at him there,
he looks fit enough, you know,but in between tournaments
he really lets himself go.
You know, I mean,
that’s going to happen, innit?
It’s going to happen if all you dois work a couple of days
a year, so…
..but there we are.All right…Michelle?Michelle.Michelle?Michelle!What?!Where’s Nigel?Oh, yeah, he can’t make it,
I’m afraid.
He’s laying down backing vocals
for Bonnie Tyler’s new album.
Get him on the phone, anyway.# Bum, bum, bum… #PHONE RINGS
Ooh!
All right, Wynne! How’s it going?
What are you so cheerful about?
I mean, look at the state of you.
You’re a mess.
Wynne!He needs this, right? He needs
a bit of tough love. All right?
I’ve been doing a bit of research –I want you to have a look
at these guys here.
Jerome Garcon, I mean, 100% buff.Craig Joubert, pure brawn.Wayne Barnes – I mean, look at him,he looks like – he looks like
Wolf from Gladiator.
Hey, I’ve been training hard
all week, thanks, Wynne!
Oh, you’ve been training, have you?Oh, right, OK,
what’ve you been doing?
Well, 10k run, bit of weights,
sprinting, Pilates…
Er, ooh! And a massage.Massage?
What-What is this, a hen do?
You know, next thing you know you’re
going to be going to Wetherspoons
and getting drunk –and getting so drunk
that you get arrested
by some police officer called Grant
who you’re going to go off with
and call off your wedding and
you’re going to leave your husband
alone in the house
for three bloody years,
a broken man who’s wreckedwith nothing but crisps
to keep him company.
That’s nothing to do with me.
Damn you!
All right!Damn you!All right, Wynne,
don’t go back there.
Breathe, Wynne!Ugh…Hi, Nige!Just having a funny five.Look, give it back here.
Give it back.
Anyway, look,
I’ll tell you this now –
I want you to be the fittest
referee in world rugby.
You are going to make Wayne Barnes
look like Pavarotti.
Ah, brilliant!Hey, you found it. Come on.I’m quite…quite excited
about this, so have a little look.
I call it…..Nige-ercize.I’m not sure about a fitness video.No, no, this isn’t a fitness video.You mustn’t think of it like that.
Oh, no, no.
Listen, to spread a little bit of
magic stardust over the occasion,
you know what I’ve gone and done?I’ve gone and booked some of the
Welsh rugby players.
Have you?Hm!Oh, aye.Who’ve you got, then?Right…Did someone order some
rugby players?
Oh, brilliant.Hey, bring them in,
bring them in, love.
Fantastic, that is.Falling into place nice.Right, I’ve got
Sam Warbleton, Taulupe Williams
and Liam Faletau, so.It’s Taulupe Faletau, and…Oh…!What the hell is that?!Delivery for Wynne Griffiths.Uh, Welsh rugby players?I meant the real ones!Did you think you’d get
the real ones for 40 quid?!
They can’t…
They can’t do aerobics, can they?
C-Can they?No.No. No, I’m sorry,
this is a disaster.
I need real live players
that can move around
and wiggle their bits, and…I’m sorry, Nige.
I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work.
Don’t worry, don’t worry, now –
leave it with me.
I’ll sort it.Hey, I’ve got a Samson Lee
on the van.
I can chuck him in, if you like.Take them out.
Put them back in the van.
With Nige-ercize, you can give
unfitness the red card.
Come on, boys! Keep going!Fair play –
you’ve got to hand it to Nige.
He really saved the day.These are the stars of the future.That fit one on the left,
he just signed up to the Scarlets.
Who?Boys! Wynne Griffiths.How are you? All right?There we are, lads.Are you the one who’s joining
the Scarlets?
Are you the one the Scarl…?Are you not? Forget that, then.Wynne Griffiths.Stars of the future,
I’m the agent of the present, OK?

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